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  #1  
Old 08-19-2009, 04:52 PM
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CaptainClaw CaptainClaw is offline
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Default Best Craigslist postings... EVER

http://seattle.craigslist.org/sno/msg/1331885518.html

Just in case it gets taken down (you never know these days), here's what it says:

Quote:

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You not buying my bass makes baby Jesus cry - $116 (Bothell)
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Much like putting mayo on hot dogs, "mild" salsa, and French manufactured cars the fact that I have yet to sell this beautiful bass is a crime against humanity. Stick some Sriracha on that Hebrew National, buy this sweet instrument, and bask in your contribution to the balance of the universe.

Peavey Milestone III bass guitar with original fitted Peavey gig bag for $116 obo. Good overall shape, straight neck, solid frets, all pots and pups in good shape. Has a nice low action, and is freshly tuned. Suprisingly hot pickups for a passive. The gig bag is nicely padded, and has a little leather thingy to hold the handles together. Couple small cosmetic issues (little buckle rash, chip outta the horn, and a couple rusty screws) that don't affect playability. Really good tone for a bargain bass. I'll be dropping the price $1 a day until it's sold, or no longer worth posting. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Also open to trades for just about anything bass related, and a lot of things non-bass related. Make me an offer, and I promise I won't laugh. Unless that offer involves UPSing me a check, you writing me a $5000 check and I'll give you the difference, or helping you get your money out of Nigeria. I'll take this down when it's sold, and summarily delete any email just asking "Still available?"

I accept cash, postal money order, or paypal. I might accept kittens, puppies, ferrets, or particularly handsome snakes. I'm disinclined to take small children, sexual favors, drugs, or your immortal soul. Might consider brokering a three way deal for your soul, although I will charge a commission. Buy this nice bass before I get all rockstar and set it on fire then smash it into the curb.

I'll also set it on fire and smash it for your entertainment for $90. You get a discount because let's face it, I'd enjoy that too.



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  #2  
Old 08-19-2009, 05:13 PM
RockStringBender RockStringBender is offline
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sumthin tells me this guy would fit perfectly into our garage rock band
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  #3  
Old 08-19-2009, 05:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RockStringBender View Post
sumthin tells me this guy would fit perfectly into our garage rock band
LOL I wouldn't doubt it dude
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Old 08-19-2009, 11:57 PM
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vaguelee vaguelee is offline
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Haha, flagged!
I bet it was the baby jesus remark in the headline.
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  #5  
Old 08-20-2009, 12:38 AM
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Jesse James Jesse James is offline
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the sad thing is that is a good pitch and I feel like buying it
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Old 08-20-2009, 08:08 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesse James View Post
the sad thing is that is a good pitch and I feel like buying it
My friend in Seattle is the one who told me about this thread, and when I was talking to him over the phone last night I said the SAME THING to him LOL. He's a bass player, so I was like "is this thing a pile of shit or worth $100 something dollars?" LOL. He said its a surprisingly good bass for the money. So I wish the guy luck. If I lived closer and had the extra cash I'd jump on this bass just to use for recording. He deserves it for that posting alone
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Old 08-20-2009, 12:12 PM
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amerturk amerturk is offline
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So much for me offering one of my real Nigerian scams. Damn.
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  #8  
Old 08-20-2009, 08:46 PM
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Ok here's the second best craigslist posting. I will copy/paste this one too since it probably won't be up long either. This one was in the "Best of Craigslist" section for Los Angeles CL.

Quote:

---------------------------------------------------
You Rule, Vietnamese Waxer Lady
---------------------------------------------------



My regular waxer was not available and I just could not bear the wild, untamed amazon bush jungle that my, well, bush had become for another day.

So I came to you on my lunch hour, Anonymous Vietnamese Waxer Lady who works at the cheapie nail place. We were mere strangers before this afternoon, but after knowing you only an hour, I feel like I must point out the reasons why you rule.

When it was necessary to get on all fours to do the �taint� part of the wax, you applied the wax so delicately to my bunghole, then asked, in what I assumed were two of the only five English words you know, "Too hot?" I responded yes, it was too hot. And without hesitation, you blew on it to cool the hot wax. YOU BLEW ON MY BUNGHOLE, Vietnamese Waxer Lady. Do you know how special that is? Nobody blows on the bung. Nobody.

Since you were a bit clumsy with the wax, there were many bits leftover that did not get taken up onto the "Strip of Doom" as I like to call it. So without any sort of trepidation whatsoever, you happily took a cotton ball and dug the wax out of my vaginal canal yourself. How did you manage to do that without making me feel the least bit uncomfortable, Vietnamese Waxer Lady? Were you a gynecologist back in Vietnam and they wouldn't let you practice medicine in the United States when you immigrated here, and so now you wax pubes for a living? I know that kind of thing happens all the time, and it wouldn't surprise me at all to know this occupation has not been your first foray into coochdom. And I know this is totally inappropriate, but I even started to feel, dare I say, a tiny bit frisky from the action. You just seemed to know my vagina so very well. Almost like you were two old friends, and I was this new acquaintance showing up to lunch with you and my vagina, but then was all like "Oh. I see you two have already met."

Since you don't speak much English, you had to motion to me where to place my legs in the air to best reach the "corner" as you called it. Most people would have been uncomfortable with their legs in the air and then having their butt cheeks spread further apart, mere centimeters from the face of a stranger. But you smiled at me and with a subtle expression, indicated that you, too, felt my pain. You should give lessons to medical students, Vietnamese Waxer Lady, on how to have good bedside manner. Or I guess in your case, ass-side manner.

I thanked you with a good tip, but I want to thank you here, publicly, for your selfless action, and for doing your part on behalf of all humanity to keep my pubes under control.
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  #9  
Old 08-21-2009, 12:11 AM
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Jtorres Jtorres is offline
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Dear Lord haha.
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  #10  
Old 08-21-2009, 11:36 AM
RockStringBender RockStringBender is offline
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YOU BLEW ON MY BUNGHOLE, Vietnamese Waxer Lady







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  #11  
Old 08-21-2009, 07:03 PM
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Doctor Shred Doctor Shred is offline
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  #12  
Old 08-25-2009, 12:27 PM
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wfojon wfojon is offline
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An actual craig's list personals ad

Quote:

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To The Guy Who Tried To Mug Me In Downtown Savannah Night Before Last. Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43AM EST
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i was the guy wearing the black burberry jacket that you demanded that i hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, i'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; i didn't expect you to actually shit in your p ants when i drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and i was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that kimber model 1911 .45 a cp pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... Isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since i made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [that prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After i called your mother, or "momma" as you had her listed in your cell, i explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then i went and filled up my gas ta nk as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside vinnie van go go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [that made his day!]

i then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... After i broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, i called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma bell just now shut down the line, although i only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, i managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the da's office and one to the fbi, while mentioning president obama as my possible target.

The fbi guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (i guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps i should apologize for not killing you ... But i feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
alex

p.s. Remember this motto ... An armed society makes for a more civil society!
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  #13  
Old 08-25-2009, 12:57 PM
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CaptainClaw CaptainClaw is offline
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This is turning into an EPIC thread

I am gonna sticky it right now LOL. Keep 'em coming guys!
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  #14  
Old 08-28-2009, 06:59 PM
RockStringBender RockStringBender is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blues Band bassist and drummist needed (South Buffalo)
Hi my name is Sammy "Swag" Clincy from "Sammy and the Sledgehammers" and I am a Bluesman. I play a 1961
Fender Stratocaster which is all original and strung with .011's into
an Ibanez tubescreamer which has been modified with a 4558 chip and
all carbon comp resistors. I use a Fender Vibrolux amplifier
which was gutted and all the resistors were replaced with NOS allen
bradley carbon comps. I play the real blues like my main man Stevie
Ray Vaughan, in fact I have one of his guitar picks which I wear
around my neck for mojo. I am currently engaged to an african-american
woman from Arkansas and our experiences together (such as people
whispering about us and the dirty looks we get at dinner) form the
basis for my blues.

I need a bass player and a drummer to back me up in the studio and
maybe for some gigs too. The bass player needs to have a Fender bass
built BEFORE 1965 with no ceramic tone caps ( I will have my tech at
auditions to open up and check) must use all tube amplifiers pre-1970,
with an 8x10 cabinet and own transportation. The drummist needs to be
familiar with all the various blues beats like the shuffle, the flat
tire, the shug, the funky dunk, and the whap-a-dang. Please, no Sonar
or Pearl kits!

I have written an albums worth of songs "The Blues Are Falling Down On
Me" "Cold Blue Rain" "I Got The Blues For My Baby" "Bluesman Blues".
And need a back up band to help record it.

When applying for either position, please send a detailed description
of your equipment (with photos) along with photos of yourself in gig
clothing. After receiving that, I will call you to arrange an
audition.

I got my mojo woiking and I hope yours is too!
One Love

Quote:
Just curious to why you need to have a tech inspect for the proper caps and are very specific about other gear? Obviously you can't hear the difference, and no Pearl or Sonar drums, send a pic in gig clothing? You might be the biggest poser since Kiss.

Quote:
This here is a response to the individual who claimed that I, Sammy Swag, am a poser. I'll tell you what you fruit loop- I was playin sultry Austin Texas nights at the Steamboat before you were suckin on your mommas teet. Dont give me that poser trash or I'll tell youwhat- youll regret it. And i've been at this gig way to long to be messing around with some kansas city faggot that has a pbass or jbass from earlier than 1965 with different resister caps. The band is called Sammy Swag and the Sledgehammers, not "Fruity Loop and the ceramic capped resister bass butt pirates." I dont have time for that bull. Now, as far as the gig attire goes-Sammy Swag= mojo. You dont got it, there isnt a place for you in this here band. I want nice leather or fine japanese silken shirts with plenty of frills and twills and danglies. As far as drum kit goes...I can hear the difference. I knew Mark Chapin, the ceo of Pearl back in the day in Amarillo TX and that fool slept with my main lady and left me with just my guitar, twin verb, pack of smokes, and a broken heart. I detest even lookin at those pearl sets these days although that incident did inspire the lyrics to "My wife beat his drum blues" off my second LP, "The dust settlin' over Dallas". Sonar sets are no good either cause the floor tom sits a mite 6 inches lower than a nice set of gretch's and it affects the acoustics in my studio over here cause the sound tiles down reach all the way to the floor. Anyways, I am most upset with your response to my ad and hope I never meet you on the street sir, cause there will be a fist fight. Everyone else, all the best- Let me know if ya'll are interested in makin the trio!
Quote:
Hey there 'Sammy',
Where can I find a sampling of some of your music? I googled your name and songs and couldn't find anything.

Quote:
Hey "Sammy Swag", I just wanna thank you for some of the funniest shit I've read in a long time. No kidding, this load of crap is unreal! Wherever you're from, whatever is it that makes you think like you do, it's golden. You are a living piece of Sub-Americana, steeped in ignorance and seasoned with glorious, self-righteous pride. Don't change a thing, cause it's just beautiful (in a HOLY SHIT, I can't believe it kinda way).

By the way, what the fuck is a "drummist"?

Quote:
Heya, I'm a balding, overweight blues playing machine. Yeah that's right...I play a Squire set up with 0.8's...action high, intonation off, pots scratchy... I run this axe through a Line 6 modeling amp. When I'm not laying down some of the meanest electronic tones you've ever heard, I'm playing my Esteban acoustic to wow the crowd. To color my tone, I run a highly unmodded Korg chromatic tuner daisy chained to my light show (twinkling Christmas lights), to produce one of the meanest ground loop hums you have ever heard...

I'm inspired by Jimmy Vaughan and some of his meanest capoed licks. Where does my playing come from? MelBay's basic chord book for beginners. I'm still working on E major, but man can I strum that A chord like it's nobody's business!!!

So what am I looking for?? A basser who preferrably plays a First Act or Cort bass. Don't have a bass? Don't worry, my karaoke machine from Walmart can produce some fills. Also looking for a drummist, preferably strictly a Timpani player. As my drummist, you must have skills on the triangle as well. Also if you can play a flute, that's a plus. If not a basic recorder, in the key of Db will do just fine!!!

Some of my songs from my first cassette tape include: "How do I tune my guitar blues", "Loud buzzing noise from my amp blues", and "Sizzling A chord strumming" to name a few.
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  #15  
Old 08-29-2009, 01:32 AM
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vaguelee vaguelee is offline
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Maybe not the "best" CL post, but definitely the most ridiculous
asking price for a POS applause solidbody I've ever seen:
http://maine.craigslist.org/msg/1347591010.html
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